Inappropriate uncles, burnt turkeys, be ready for anything this Thanksgiving

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The most interesting thing about Thanksgiving to me is even though America is embarrassingly known as the country with the highest obesity, we honor an entire day to stuff our bellies around a bunch of people.

Once a year, right around the time when all of your summer clothes are for certain packed away in storage, families all over this nation join together in their “fat pants” and oversized sweaters that we claim we only wear because they’re comfortable and we eat our hearts out.

The people we love and hold dear to our hearts travel thousands of miles to cram into one house for days because they’re too stiff to pay for a hotel room. Just imagine “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” How does this one day out of the entire year manage cause such high levels of stress? Little things add up until that one classic line is said that puts grandma over the edge and sitting in her Oldsmobile alone.

We honestly can’t help it. It’s in our blood to be loving and inviting at first, but then turn into raging maniacs.

It all started with Plymouth Rock. The Pilgrims had a lovely meal with the Indians as they were psyched to be in a new land where they might practice religious freedom, and the Indians finally had new friends. They have an enormous feast (equivalent to what might be an average American’s lunch), everyone is jolly until the Indians are killed and their land is swept up from under them. It’s basically all in the history books.

For us students, turkey break means one whole week to mooch off mom and dad, doing absolutely no homework, sleeping in every day and possibly doing something totally wild and going Black Friday shopping. But we are just one portion of all of the bratty guests who will arrive for the big Thanksgiving meal your mother has stressed and slaved over. It isn’t everyday that someone has to cook a wild bird for dinner and serve it to every hungry family member.

Here are a few other guests: that strange uncle who doesn’t know a clean joke, a grandma who suddenly isn’t the center of attention anymore, the cousin who brings a date, everyone’s dogs, and a baby. Disaster is bound to strike at any moment.

A few tips to remember when the big day rolls around. It’s probably best to stay out of the kitchen and watch the Macy’s Day Parade. If anyone asks, you are indeed doing famously in microbiology, you can’t understand why anyone would find a frat party appealing when you have a great book to read in your dorm and you already have some fake prospects for a job when you graduate in five plus years.

Most importantly, use the turkey to your advantage. When that one family member goes all “Apocalypse Now” on everyone, slip away to take your Thanksgiving nap thanks to good ‘ol tryptophan.